5. Pinky Returns
Years ago, as a young, pert nubile to porn, I was on some slimy, probably virus-caked free porn site [called "Grayvee"...
*gurgle*
*barf*
...as if tube porn needs to be any grosser] when I saw a video of this cute little skinny little getting pretty vigorous love made to her. Who is this girl? I said unto myself. I dubbed her Pinky (after the greaser chick from Bully, NOT in reference to the pun "Pinky Giving Brain" that you're thinking of right now). The title of the video called her an "amateur," so all I could do was pray nightly that I would one day uncover some shred of information that would lead me to Pinky's real name, if she had one, and to a extensive filmography. But God didn't seem to hear me.
Then one fateful evening I was browsing the assifieds when I saw her again, and at last I knew her name. She wasn't an amateur - she was professional porn actress Kelsey Michaels! The moment when you find that song you've been searching for forever? It's like that, but your pants fall off.
Look, I don't demand that every lady of porn be like Michael Jordan but with dick instead of balls. Not at all. They can be, like, Charlie Barkley, or even Scott Pippen. What I'm saying is, maybe her true passion is still out there.
The B-52's are called the world's greatest party band, but did they write and record 2009's Jam Dreams? No, and they should feel bad.
Quickly my friend: Who's the most beautiful woman in the world? If you said Scarlett Johanesberg, Mega Foxxx, or anyone other than Khrystyna K., I've got a bridge to Terabithia I'm willing to let go for cheap.
But since you've never heard of Khrystyna K., and I myself would never have had the opportunity to behold her holiness had I not happened to glimpse the cover of the Cycle Gear catalog on our kitchen table before it was inevitably tossed into our recycling pit, I forgive you. You incredible ignoramus.
She's the one true earth angel. She's scrumptuous; she's lumptuous. This catalog is now the most precious thing I own, and one day might fetch a pretty penny, oh yes. In fact I own two valuable KK-CG catalogs, as it's a full-blown fact she's the only model to ever be awarded back-to-back prestigious Cycle Gear covers--Spring and Summer '10--because they got so many letters from customers demanding her back.
Speaking of Team Doubles...I watched a couple of these Halo 3 tournaments this year. And you know what? I'd watch a third. Calling it "Major League Gaming" though is causing me much greater embarrassment pains than watching professional video gaming already does. You don't have to PILE IT ON, GUYS.
This concludes Good stuff 2010. For other years click here.
The thrill of discovery was not long-lasting, however. I don't want to smack talk her too bad, in case she really feels porn is her calling, but this girl just isn't a natural; she really might as well be an amateur. I mean, she doesn't seem like she's enjoying herself at all, and I assume this because of all her little pained vocalizations. Basically she sounds like a cat getting porked by a dog. And when it's time to perform the oral, as in this business so often seems to be the time, she sounds like Donald Duck having a major quack attack.
Look, I don't demand that every lady of porn be like Michael Jordan but with dick instead of balls. Not at all. They can be, like, Charlie Barkley, or even Scott Pippen. What I'm saying is, maybe her true passion is still out there.
4. Dr. Manhattan
The B-52's are called the world's greatest party band, but did they write and record 2009's Jam Dreams? No, and they should feel bad.
3. Khrystyna Kazakova (a.k.a. Ukushu Khrystyna)
Quickly my friend: Who's the most beautiful woman in the world? If you said Scarlett Johanesberg, Mega Foxxx, or anyone other than Khrystyna K., I've got a bridge to Terabithia I'm willing to let go for cheap.
But since you've never heard of Khrystyna K., and I myself would never have had the opportunity to behold her holiness had I not happened to glimpse the cover of the Cycle Gear catalog on our kitchen table before it was inevitably tossed into our recycling pit, I forgive you. You incredible ignoramus.
She's the one true earth angel. She's scrumptuous; she's lumptuous. This catalog is now the most precious thing I own, and one day might fetch a pretty penny, oh yes. In fact I own two valuable KK-CG catalogs, as it's a full-blown fact she's the only model to ever be awarded back-to-back prestigious Cycle Gear covers--Spring and Summer '10--because they got so many letters from customers demanding her back.
 |
| [You can see that her jacket is open, exposing her bustiyay to the world, but I heard the company that rented out the bike for the photoshoot would only pay Cycle Gear for the ad if people were actually going to look at the bike, so they made them choose a conservative shot. Wow! Lame! But understandable, from a fiscal perspective.] |
'Photo majic!' you bemoan rapaciously. 'She will not be so magestic in moving pictures!' Hogwash. When she moves, she improves. Look and see for yourself. Fast-forward to a minute in and you too will hear yourself say, "A-ooo-ga!"
[Whether the sound is due to Khrystyna K. or the nausea you experience from the video's editing, a "a-ooo-ga" is fully guaranteed.]
[p.s. please do not ask what is an ukushu. I do not know.]
2. Space Fork
Space Fork is a paper airplane I designed. Well, "designed" is a little high 'n' toity. I put some creases in a paper and threw it, and it happened to work out pretty good, I guess...
Nah, I'm being humble. In honesty, Leo da Vinci would brown in his pants if he were simply to behold my Space Fork. To celebrate this monumental feat of engineering, I made a huge version out of nine sheets of paper. She's a real crowd-thriller (i.e. Grandma-thriller).
A girl I met online said she would send me nudes if I sent her a picture of my dick first. I emailed her this picture instead, and she sent them anyway. This means that for a woman my planes are more beautiful and arousing than an engorged human penis. And that is that.
1. Moto-Cross
I grew up around dirt bikes. I also had an unfocused eye on motocross and supercross racing for much of that time, through moto magazines around the house and ones I would bring home from the grocery store, so I knew the McGraths and Stewarts and Carmichaels (specifically I knew McGrath, Stewart and Carmichael)...but until this year, I didn't really get the excitement of the sport, once you start following it week to week. I don't want to sound too dramatic, but you don't need sex, you don't need money, you don't need music in your life. You just need motocross. (And Team Doubles, maybe.)
The thing is, before this year I never actually bothered to wonder how I could watch it. What channel? What time? But I figured it out. I tuned in. Anaheim 1, January Something, 2010: The first race of the season. And HOOOO boy. This is my life now. Don't call me.
Update: Every video I pick to hopefully demonstrate motocross's appeal keeps getting deleted from youtube so this is like the 3rd one, which is fine 'cuz it's a goody. (You can seek part 2 from this race in the related videos.)
Honorable Mentionings
"MLG" Halo 3
(pro gaming tournament)
Speaking of Team Doubles...I watched a couple of these Halo 3 tournaments this year. And you know what? I'd watch a third. Calling it "Major League Gaming" though is causing me much greater embarrassment pains than watching professional video gaming already does. You don't have to PILE IT ON, GUYS.
This concludes Good stuff 2010. For other years click here.