I get emailed lots of questions, so to squench down on time I'm compiling some of the most commonly asked ones below.
Q: How do you do?
A: Up yours.
Q: What's this...some kind of blog?
A: Yap.
Q: Your blog is
very impressive. What advice would you give aspiring bloggers?
A: Proof-read ten times, post once.
Q: What is the best advice you've ever gotten?
A: Down. By the Short. Notes. Ear-ly in the Short. Notes.
Q: What is the best advice you've ever gotten?
A: Down. By the Short. Notes. Ear-ly in the Short. Notes.
Q: What is your
favorite kind of hamburger?
A: Cheeseburger
Q: What's your
favorite kind of Newton?
A: Still
fig.
Q: Were you a rebellious teen?
A: X-tremely
Q: What was your first job?
A: I worked nights as a stinky-cheese salesman.
Q: What kind of car to you drive?
A: '98 Dodge Romulus.
Q: What kind of car to you drive?
A: '98 Dodge Romulus.
Q: If you owned a
racehorse, what would you name it?
A: Why, so you can
steal my name? Psh. Fat chance. Actually that's a sick name. Probably Fat
Chance.
Q: What's your
go-to karaoke song?
A: I don't really
have a one-song-fits-all. Usually I'll feel out the party's vibe and then
choose accordingly between 'Last Kiss' by Pearl Jam and a surprisingly tender falsetto rendition of 'Wuthering Heights'.
Q: What is your
favorite logo-design cliche?
A: Gonna go with
drippy stencil here.
Q: What is your
favorite mountain/mountain range?
A: Annapurna II.
Q: Big boobs or small boobs?
A: They're REALLY small.
Q: Which 2-number combinations give you the most trouble on the multiplication table (1-9)?
A: 7x9,
but I honestly have almost as much difficulty with 9x7.
Q: When was the
last time you were depressed?
A: Pretty
recently, actually. I was looking for turtle poops in the back yard before
mowing the grass. I couldn't find much of anything, but suddenly I came upon
maybe three of them in a group and I heard myself say, 'Jackpot.'
It was shortly after that.
Q: Help! I'm being
bullied at school! Do you know of anything good to say back to the bully to
make him stop?
A: Yes. In a hushed voice (NOT a whisper), tell your
bully this: "Your mom is the same in a relative way but she's older." If that doesn't work and your bully still bothers you, clench your teeth, look your bully straight in the eye, and say, "Time is an arrangement. Time is an arranger. Your face is
a derangement."
Shut me up.
Q: Do you have a
personal motto?
A: Yes, and it's Follow
your heart to the winner's circle!
Q: Is it discouraging writing for a blog that is read by no one, that literally not a single person has read and said ‘I give a shit about this'?
A: Maybe a little.
Q: Is it
humiliating to have to write these questions yourself and then answer them like
you’re genuinely surprised and appreciative of the public’s interest in your
blog, and not to be the recipient of even a question, much less questions, much
less questions frequently asked?
A: Fuck you. And
yes.