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BRONZE place
Killola
(music band)
This is an absolutely true account: I first heard Killola sometime in early February, after my phone prompted me that I had a new voicemail. When I held it to my ear and played it, it was my own voice saying, "Hey, Marc! You know that new sound you've been looking for?! Well listen to this!"
Another absolutely true account: If Blondie's "One Way or Another" spent 15 months locked away in solitary confinement, Killola is what would come screaming out into the light.
Another absolutely true account: If Blondie's "One Way or Another" spent 15 months locked away in solitary confinement, Killola is what would come screaming out into the light.
For the longest time I didn't download any of their music, I just listened to the iTunes previews for each song on their two albums and first EP over and over in awe. Almost every day I would get the urge to listen to a bunch of 90 second clips, and then I would. This was from February on. Then I enacted No-Killola July, where I couldn't listen to any Killola snips for a month, so I wouldn't get tired of them. It lasted almost two days. It was a time of pure madness.
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SILVER place
"Pepto Turismo"
(most precious 'Halo 3' saved game file)
I probably shouldn't give this handsome silver place to a video clip of me playing Halo sort of well, but darn it, there's a lot of nostalgia at work play here and I'm ultimately powerless to withstand it. The video clip is of me playing arguably the greatest game of Halo 3 online I ever played. I might've played a few better ones statwise, but this one was special.
I'd gotten an Xbox 360 just so I could play Halo 3. In Late November 2007, I ventured online. By mid 2008, I was tired of my old gamertag, and I'd spent weeks deliberating over a new one. (It cost $7 every time you changed it, so it was important on a out-of-work grocery bagger's salary to pick juuust the right one.) (Also I have a weird kind of a fixation with screen names, band names...frankly I'm good at them, always have been; I don't expect you to understand.) I was meanwhile likewise tired of sucking ass at online Halo, so I had been dedicating myself to a rigorous training regimen to improve my aim with the battle rifle and sniper rifle, the most obvious weak spots in my playing.
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| The real-life short list of potential new gamertags I kept close at hand to refer to day or night. It came down to Pepto Turismo and Plaque Fighter, and, as I recall, a last-minute surprise challenger appeared in "Pepto Inferno," but Turismo toppled him. For reasons beyond reason, I was hell-bent on this name. |
On a day in August 2008 that will live in infamy inside my head, I paid the $7 fee, oh-so-carefully typed P-e-p-t-o[space]T-u-r-i-s-m-o into the box, finalized the change, and jumped into a free-for-all game on Ghost Town — my first game back after taking a break to develop my aim — nervous as always but itching to show off my new, better self. And my friends, I went fucking off. A triple kill in the first ten seconds. Six double kills in all. A trail of bodies across the map. I pick up a sniper rifle, which I was always afraid to touch because I was so bad with it, and immediately peek-a-boo scope and take this dude's head clean off his shoulders. My jaw is hanging open. I'm completely beside myself.
The game ended and I floated out of my room on a puffy cloud of elation, pausing to tell my mom about my triumph. She told me to get a job. That was downright low of her, I know, but she couldn't bring me down this day. I'll take the memory of this victory to the nursing home.
And I thought it would have to be a memory only, because one day I turned on my 360 and found that the video replay file had been "CORRUPTED." I was so bummed. I thought about deleting it, but held off for some reason, which was a blessed choice, because I was looking through those old video files recently and it's back, uncorrupted! Once I back it up on a dozen separate hard drives, it won't just be an unverifiable war story I tell my eldercare nurses. There'll be actual video evidence of my former greatness.
The game ended and I floated out of my room on a puffy cloud of elation, pausing to tell my mom about my triumph. She told me to get a job. That was downright low of her, I know, but she couldn't bring me down this day. I'll take the memory of this victory to the nursing home.
And I thought it would have to be a memory only, because one day I turned on my 360 and found that the video replay file had been "CORRUPTED." I was so bummed. I thought about deleting it, but held off for some reason, which was a blessed choice, because I was looking through those old video files recently and it's back, uncorrupted! Once I back it up on a dozen separate hard drives, it won't just be an unverifiable war story I tell my eldercare nurses. There'll be actual video evidence of my former greatness.
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GOLD place
James Stewart
@ Monster Cup
(moto resurrection)
[Pre-Video Context Quickie: The M.E.C. is three 10 lap races in a row. If you win all three, Monster gives you a million dollars. Ryan Villopoto won all three in 2011, didn't participate in 2012, and won the first race of the night this year. (Ryan Dungey got to the finish line first, but only because Villopoto took the required off-track "joker" detour and he didn't, so his W was transferred to Villopoto.) What brave hero could step up and stop Villainpoto from winning the second race...and another million dollars??]
*Probably he wrecked because he was distracted by the fact that he had just forgotten to take the joker lane. After clowning on Dungey for missing it in Race 1, how do you go and miss it yourself in Race 2? More like Villobozo!
Cinco Viudas Sueltas (TV show)
James Stewart is the greatest supercross rider of all time. This is a hands-down deal; no reasonable person can deny it. Reasonable people will go, "Well, McGrath..." and, ok, reasonable enough. Let me start over: James Stewart is the most amazing supercross rider of all time. And he forever will be. It is ordained from beyond this world.
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| Image credit: someone else |
But with only 3 wins in 2012 and '13 combined, James seemed to have fallen from God's good graces. In fact, ever since 2010, being a Stewart fan has been not much else but anxiety and heartache.
In these troubled-James-Stewart times, the much celebrated Ryans--Villopoto and Dungey, respectively--have risen to dominate the sport. As a diehard Stewbaby fanatic, I've harbored secret fantasies that one day he would regain his old form and cast down the Ryans. My friends, that day has occurred: James Stewart showed up at the Monster Energy Cup and went fucking OFF.
OK, this was only a battle, and Stewart has a history of winning battles but losing the war. But what a freakin' (fuckin') battle. Victory and vindication. Villopoto made one last-ditch attempt to steal the spotlight back by crashing and busting his ass on the ground*, but he couldn't bring me down this day. Seriously, I was losing my mind. I haven't been that juiced up since Ghost Town '08.
*Probably he wrecked because he was distracted by the fact that he had just forgotten to take the joker lane. After clowning on Dungey for missing it in Race 1, how do you go and miss it yourself in Race 2? More like Villobozo!
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Honorable mentionings
Cinco Viudas Sueltas (TV show)
Ah, 5VS. I was ellipticaling one day, flipping through channels as I galloped, when this glorious soap opera on Telemundo caught my eye.
Columbian soap operas are kind of a new thing for me. You may be wondering, since I cannot understand a single word spoken during any episode, what it is about Cinco Viudas Sueltas that I find so appealing. Your first clue: Privately, I refer to the show as "Three 10s, Five 9s and an Eight." Every episode just bounces between all these hotties' home and business lives as they...I don’t know...betray each other probably.
So I started ellipticaling every day at the time Cinco Viudas Sueltas (which translates to “Five Loose Women,” I swear to God) came on. Already by the second day I learned I had to elliptical nude below the waist because my underpants rubbing on my secret stiffness would chafe me so bad my eyes would water like Gordon Ramsey was chopping a wheelbarrow full of onions six feet away.
It was a great show. Hell, it was the best show. 5SV was just cancelled as of this writing, but I’ll always have that summer in '13.
Leprous (music band)
If the word "prog" grew 6 heads and started a band.
If the word "prog" grew 6 heads and started a band.
(Note: I haven't checked the # of members in the band, but in accordance with prog law it must be six. OK...huh. It's five. Don't worry, I've called the police.