Everything you could ever want to know about the author of selfnegatingface.blogspot.com but were too apathetic to ask...
-He's indoorsy.
-He has the right to remain silent.
-He's 10 feet tall if he's a foot.
-His word is his bond. James Bond.
-He started working on his Ph.B right out of college...his Personal Humor Blog!
-He always tries to be the flyest kid on the block.
-He always tries to be the flyest kid on the block.
-His brain boasts an I.Q. of over 97.
-For your information, he's a Little Leaguer.
-He was not a troublesome youth, and nearly
all incidents which earned him punishment or lecture can be divided neatly into
two categories: PROJECTILES and PORN. And so, kids, the author warns, don't throw
things that aren't Nerf, and never, ever view pornographic materials.
-He thinks the only thing gayer than helmets
is safety in general.
-He's board-certified to represent the L.B.C.
-He's board-certified to represent the L.B.C.
-He's not gonna lie.
-Only a judge can judge him.
-He gives new meaning to the term "blonde bombshell."
-He gives new meaning to the term "blonde bombshell."
-Some say he's part Chinese. [starts humming tune to 'Secret Asian Man' so jauntily]
-He reserves the right to not wanna.
-He likes the punk and the metal band.
-He claims to be an expert.
-It’s not his fault you don’t know how to read.
-He will never apologize for his curves.
-He would love to be a fly on a wall.
-Flies taste with their feet.
-A pirate/blogger named Maddox taught the author everything he knows about humor and voice, and the author shows reverence for His Angriness's teachings with a copycat color scheme. Wisdom of Maddox:
I've chosen a black background for most of my text because it's easier on the eyes than staring at a white screen. Staring at a white background while you read is like staring at a light bulb. Would you stare at a light bulb for hours at a time?
-The author would like to add that black looks really cool.
-He should also add that he read once that white text on a dark background actually increases eye strain, but sometimes compromises have to be made.
-He has contracted the normal kind of wood splinters, but also splinters from charcoal briquettes and a ball of tin foil.
-He is...how you say...gellin' like felon.
-He would not, could not in a tree.
-He has contracted the normal kind of wood splinters, but also splinters from charcoal briquettes and a ball of tin foil.
-He is...how you say...gellin' like felon.
-He would not, could not in a tree.
-His maturity level is over 9000.
-He remembers his own birth
day last year.
-The author doesn't know who it is, but it probably is fhqwhgads.
-Every time he sneezes he feels sorry for himself.
-On the contrary, the author has just the right amount of time on his hands.
-If you got something to say to the author, the author supposes you could say it to his face.
-A blonde, spiky-headed high school career counselor the author had a requisite appointment with once said to him, "Don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever been placed in a special education class?" The author told her no, but that he had in fact competed in several of their sporting events and broken some very impressive and longstanding records.
-The author has three words for you: father-son kamehameha.
-The author begs of you - don't hurt the children!
-Nobody calls his little bro a dork but him.
-He's more afraid of spiders than they are of him.
-He doesn't even know rhombus.
-He'd stake his Pulitzer on it.
-He's already completed puberty, which is braggable.
-He's trading in his Camry for an Aztek-ek-ek-ek-ek.
-He probably has A.D.D. and would probably benefit from medication. In the classroom he was often
looking around for someone to ask what we're supposed to be doing. He often has
trouble following even the simplest of movie plots, so he prefers books in that
regard, but books make him sleepy after three pages or so and then it's nap
time.
What follows is the complete list of things that will never take the author alive:
-Coppers
-Bobcats
-Diabetes
-He has more talent in his entire body than most people have in their little fingers.
-Ron's his uncle.
-He always turns to another station right as Green Day comes on and sings “Do you have the time…?”, so the author has never found out if Billie Joe ever learns what time it is.
-He ain't joking, woman, he's got to ramble.
-The author claims to have invented the "The new trailer for ____ looks crazy" meme in the comments under a "freakout" video on YouTube circa 2010.
-He put it in the hoop like slam.
-He always shows mad props to his elders.
-The author claims to have invented the "The new trailer for ____ looks crazy" meme in the comments under a "freakout" video on YouTube circa 2010.
-He put it in the hoop like slam.
-He always shows mad props to his elders.
-He's like Mick Jagger except he wants all his friends to be black.
-Sometimes he'll walk behind Leia to watch her buns jiggle.
-The author has never dreamed he was flying or had a sex dream. Instead, an estimated 35-50% of his dreams for as long as he can remember have involved school buses and missing them (always while at school); wandering labyrinths of halls looking for classes and then being late; putting off some very large assignment and then coming to the heart-pounding realization that it's due tomorrow; etc. The author has said some nice things about the American public education system in the past, but clearly these dreams betray his true feelings on the subject.
-A little birdie told the author that he killed all the bigger birds and he's king of the food chain now.
-When the author gets frustrated enough to refer to himself self-flagellatingly in the third-person, the name he calls himself is “Pete Sampras.”
-Spaghetti is his only motherfucking option.
-Brakes only slow him down.
-His grandpa drove a Haard Bargaan.
-His eyes are always on the prize, especially when it's a lemon Jolly Rancher.
-You wouldn’t like him when he’s hangry.
-He tries to do something every three years that scares him.
-He can blow a bubble with any flavor or kind of gum, it doesn't have to specifically be bubble gum.