(Garfield LOL!)
I've had a sizable on-and-off crush on Sasha Cohen since I first
saw her at the 2002 Winter Olympics. I was twelve. She got
4th.
Then, out of sight after the conclusion of the
Olympics, she faded from my mind. But then, four years later, there she
was again, cute as ever! I
wasn't sure our love would be as powerful as it had been in '02 — she had been
away for so long — but the passion was reignited by the time she took the ice.
First her short program happened. It was awesome! The best! Mi amore!
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| "Tra-la-la-laaaaaaa!" |
Then her long program happened, choreographed to music from Romeo
and Juliet. It was, of course, a tragedy.
 |
Afterward, Sasha more or less retired from professional skating.
And, of course, I once again forgot about her (apart from her cameo appearance
in the incredible and moving Blades of Glory).
She then made a surprise return in 2010, competing for a spot
on the U.S. Olympic team — and a spot in my heart.
First up: The short program. Predictably, it was
good to very good.
Then the long program. Predictably, carnage
ensued.
 |
| "DOUGH!" |
She finished the tournament 4th overall, and so was left behind when the other three medaling ladies of the U.S. figure skating team departed for Vancouver.
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| "Sasha, there's still like a million creases in that yogurt lid "medal" you pulled out of your sock behind the pillar over there. You're gonna break the podium! Bye, stupid!" |
I'm pretty bummed she didn't win gold in '06, and now she never
will, so my Olympic spirit is smooshed. NO creases. My mom always
says it's dumb as shit that swimmers at the Olympics get to compete for
like 15 gold medals in 15 different events, and figure skaters, whose job is way the
fuck easier to fuck up, only get to compete for one gold medal, and that's after averaging two separate
events. She's super right, although she still would've been right without all
the profanity.
Edit: I'm getting word that, shortly after the '06 Olympics,
Natalie Portman was dressed up as Sasha in a Saturday Night Live skit. I would
kill a man to see it (for free), but I can't find it anywhere, so if you recorded it or something, bring it
on by, but FIRST TELL YOUR LOVED ONES THAT YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK. I'm terrible
at breaking bad news.